Cathartic Ramblings

Thank you

2008-07-02T03:36:31Z

aonarach_c @ 2008-06-30T02:05:00

2008-06-30T01:52:14Z

Ever get those days where there's simultaneously a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes, but your fists & teeth are clenched and your stomach is knotted? It's been one of those. I don't know if it's because of the new contraceptives (forgot to mention that - my blood pressure's been unusually high for 2 months so i'm having to change all my medications and go and be monitored while they try to work out what it is... oh, and i'm not supposed to stress... ha fucking ha) and the changing hormone levels, or whether it's just been a highly emotional few days, but it feels like i'm on over-drive.

Firstly, the AK thing. It bothered me (of course it bothered me - lying and abusive behaviour always will!) but more because i'm disappointed in myself for being a horrific judge of character. I knew (he'd warned me enough times) that he becomes vindictive and malicious (his words, not mine) when he's hurting, but i never thought he'd stoop so low as to attack what he knows to be my two largest insecurities (my figure, and my parenting) in order to destroy me the most. Fortunately i've a lot of good people around me, and i know that his words are said NOT because they're true, but because he wanted to hurt me as much as humanly possible, and i take huge comfort in that. (Knowing he knows it's not true, not that he's trying to hurt me!) He's already replied here several times since i told him i'd be blocking his attempts to contact me and deleting any posts, so i'm hoping he'll get bored and just leave me alone now.

Was at J and R's last night as it was J's birthday - we did a lot in the day and had a party thing (with WAY too much cake!) last night, which was lovely. K has been in touch constantly while he's been away, and though i miss him and would love to know when i'm next seeing him (hopefully before i go to see JJJ on in July!) i feel secure and grounded. Which, considering the hormonal factor, is nothing short of fucking miraculous.

I will write soon - it's been a long fucking day.
*c*

aonarach_c @ 2008-06-28T02:44:00

2008-06-28T01:57:10Z

Wow, well tonight has certainly been an eye-opener. Just stumbled across AK's journal:

"I lowered my standards to be with her, she isn't the type of person I would normally find physically attractive, was lazy, had spent her whole life on benefits, had severe mental and emotional issues. She's also the only mother I've ever known (in person) who puts her own happiness and well being above that of her childs. "

I'm utterly gobsmacked! Not only is at least half of this untrue (i worked from the age of 15 until i was 22, holding down 2 jobs at one point to support a partner through university in London (which AK knows full well!!), my supposed 'mental issues' at least don't involve stalking and harassment (which is more than can be said for his!), and me 'putting my own happiness in front of Menace's' is absolutely laughable!) but it's clearly the rantings of an idiot scorned. If ANYONE was lowering their standards it certainly wasn't him - at least i don't still live with my fucking parents at 27 years of age!!! I'd be genuinely upset at my apparent lack of ability to judge character, only it's quite amusing. Bless his tiny heart.

On the plus side, K and i are getting on really well and are now exclusive, and i've had the most interesting evening ever with JJJ... *ruff!*

(It's probably best not to ask... ;))
*c*

Thursday night

2008-06-27T00:16:31Z

Yet again, it's been a while! I suppose i've been avoiding here - sometimes things are hard to write about so you don't, and then it becomes longer between entries, and then it's even harder to do... but it's nearly bed-time and i'm not really tired, so now's a good as any time to update!

Since Gatecrasher, we had a 'Weekend of Win' at JJJ's house (beginning of the month) which was excellent - NB and YD were there, and even H made an appearance! It was lovely to see everyone again, and we had a wonderful time. NB wrote a review thing HERE which sums it up more eloquently than i can right now.

Things reached crisis-point with AK - he said (5 months after we 'broke up'!) that he still can't get over what we had and that being friends was too difficult, but he didn't want to lose that. I cut the ties for him - i can't keep on being the one he can't have. There was regret followed by anger, but not half the onslaught of emails/texts etc i was expecting, so he must be better than he was. I'll leave it a few months before getting back in touch to see how he is... or maybe i should leave him to contact me, i don't know. I don't want to lose the friendship but i needed to cut things in the short term. 5 months of 'being friends' and we were no further on than the day after things 'ended'. I'm still using that in apostrophes because in my mind in wasn't a relationship per-se - more a friendship with D/s dynamic and occasionally sex. I'd made that clear and i thought he'd got it, but evidently whatever i thought about it, to him it was a real relationship. I do hope we can get over it and be friends. I'm not sure he does that, though. Time will tell.

I cancelled a weekend i had planned with EJ, having realised that he'll never be able to offer me the reassurance and stability that i need from someone. He's not been in touch since, and i can't help being a little relieved as i fell quite hard, and i'm not sure how much will-power i have with regards to keeping on saying no and not getting involved. The racism comments should have done it, but even that didn't. Apparently my principles and morals are non-existent. This is not good - must try harder. I'm actually quite ashamed of myself.

In other news, i'm off to see JJJ again in a few weeks - i really do miss her and we don't see enough of each-other. We're also planning a play-party for September some time, which should be fun. I rather suspect people will turn up, get drunk, and just chat a lot, but it'll be nice to get people together.

Last weekend was lovely. I met a boy (i know! i know!) and we had fun, but i'm not sure it's anything serious. However, we're both enjoying each-other's company and he's making me catch up on my uni work, so at the moment it's all good.

Menace is loving school, although they are having issues with her attention span (or rather, her distinct lack thereof). They're not advising anything at the moment as she's still quite young, so we'll see how she gets on next year. In herself however, she's loving it, especially "having lunch with the boys" which she seems to do more than with the girls. Although if she is to be believed, the only thing she eats for lunch is "pudding", and any marks or grazes are because "daddy kicked her"... 4 is certainly an interesting age!!

That's about it for me. Just going to do this book list meme thing (it's okay, i'll cut the entry!) then i'm off to bed. K's in London this weekend and i have Menace so aside from much frolicking for J's birthday on Saturday, there's not a lot going on. Still, it's been a busy month or so, so i suppose i need the break!

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Look at the list and CAPITALISE those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you love.
4) ~~Strike out~~ the books you have no intention of ever reading, or were forced to read at school and hated.
5) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 THE LORD OF THE RINGS - JRR Tolkien
3 JANE EYRE - Charlotte Bronte
4 THE HARRY POTTER SERIES - JK Rowling
5 TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD - Harper Lee
6 THE BIBLE
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 GREAT EXPECTATIONS - Charles Dickens
11 LITTLE WOMEN - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 THE HOBBIT - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 THE GREAT GATSBY - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 THE HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 CHRONICLES OF NARNIA - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 WINNIE THE POOH - AA Milne
41 ANIMAL FARM - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 ANNE OF GREEN GABLES - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 LORD OF THE FLIES - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 OF MICE AND MEN - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 OLIVER TWIST - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 THE SECRET GARDEN - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 ULYSSES - James Joyce
76 THE BELL JAR - Sylvia Plath
77 SWALLOWS AND AMAZONS - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A CHRISTMAS CAROL - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 CHARLOTTES WEB - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 THE FARAWAY TREE COLLECTION - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 THE WASP FACTORY - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Take it easy,
*c*

aonarach_c @ 2008-06-03T02:42:00

2008-06-03T02:24:47Z

Well wow! There's a lot to talk about right now - i'll start at beginning.

Gatecrasher was awesome incarnate. I loved it, RD and NB were fantastic company, the music was fab, the guest-house was so homely i didn't want to even leave (and i wanted to take 'Mummy Louie' as we nick-named her, the lady who runs it, home!), and although the weather was rainy on the Sunday we still had a lovely time. Even got a Pants On Head picture done! (if you don't know what i'm talking about, it's probably best not to ask!) Full write-up will be done soon, but for now, just know it was ace.

Menace started back at school after half term, which is a blessing as we both needed it!! She's been bored stupid. And drawing on the walls. The new, freshly painted walls...

EJ and i have been back in touch, with texts and mails and flirting. It was fine until i realised that i can never just have fun with him - i simply don't trust myself to see him and not to want more. I'm trying to walk away, which is fucking hard but was made a lot easier by an MSN conversation with him earlier...

And, amazingly, there's someone else on the horizon. Someone i quite like, but whose made a few enemies along the way, most of whom happen to be in my circle of (online) friends. Which is a bit awkward. Still, nothing's solid; at the moment it's talk about meeting up so i can show him this part of the world, having some time to get to know eachother, and that's about it. I'm honestly not sure i'm looking for anything right now. Loneliness is a bitch, but men are apparently a complete fucking nightmare.
*c*

Today, i have been mostly...

2008-05-13T19:23:54Z

Being in The Glen's beer garden in the sunshine.

Essay done (though not sent in yet), child in bed, and i'm somewhat dehydrated from spending the afternoon drinking in the sunshine. Still, it feels wonderful. Long live the summer. :)
*c*

Monday morning

2008-05-12T10:53:45Z

Sun's shining, it's a beautiful day! In fact it's been gorgeous for a week now. It's the perfect weather; sunny and warm in the day time, and thundery and rainy and night. There was an amazing storm last night - i can never sleep when the skies are full of thunder and lightening. Something to do with the electric atmosphere maybe.

Or the child who was up and down all night with a spiking temperature, much like last week... nothing wrong with her per se, but a high temperature. She's off school today - we dozed in bed til ten, which was lovely.

STILL haven't done my essay - that's today's task. That, and make a start on tidying the bedroom. Which is a massive state. Still, feeling good... motivated, calm, happy... i blame the weather. Somehow things never look so bleak when the sun's shining.

R's coming over after work to sort the freezer out for me, and i'm about to phone AG to see if she'll take a look at my heating system - at the moment i can't put the hot water on without the heating coming on too, which, in this heat, is unbearable!

Been (almost) keeping up with the jogging - three times the first week but only twice last... will have to make up for it in the next few days. Only, i'm not much inclined to run when it's this bloody hot!

That's about it from me - there's not a lot going on. Ooh, got some paint to decorate the house - i'm beginning to think that orange for downstairs was a bit... 'brave'...

*c*

Bank Holiday Monday

2008-05-05T13:59:32Z

Must. Stop. Neglecting. To. Take. Meds.

Bank Holiday Sunday

2008-05-04T20:45:31Z

Well it's been a while. I promised myself a while back that i'd stop substituting song lyrics for 'blogs, but it's been really hard to say how i feel lately. Every now and then a song will catch me off-guard and i'll find myself crying. So i blog it, because it says it better than i could. (In fact it's just happened again (Staind - 'It's Been a While'), but generally speaking i'm alright. Not great, but alright.)

It's not been a great weekend - i've been up til dawn and asleep most of the day, crashing out on the sofa or upstairs once the menace is settled with food/drink/toy/DVD/etc. A vicious cycle if you like, one i'm hoping to break by grabbing an early night tonight. She's in school again on Tuesday so i need get back into a routine.

This evening finds me unbearably lonely. I keep thinking about Him; i'd have folded and talked to Him but i lost all the numbers in my phone (don't ask) and he's not been online for 6 days so i've had no way of contact. It's probably a good thing - he doesn't want me, not like that, but sometimes any contact is better than none.

Oh, and in the spirit of perfect timing, BS's gf blogged about how it's only a fortnight until the due date of their baby... that was another kick in the teeth i didn't need. It's almost a year ago now, but i'm still torturing myself about why i wasn't good enough, why he felt the need to lie to me - why they always feel the need to lie - about what they want, how they feel, who they are... i really have lost my faith in it all. I genuinely don't believe in the fairy-tale ending any more. And for a hopeless romantic, that's one hell of a dream to let go of.

I'm going to bed. One day all this won't hurt so much.
*c*

You are my sweetest downfall...

2008-04-23T20:38:21Z

I loved you first.

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, i have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us
The bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh i cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that i'd done alright
And he kissed me til the morning light, the morning light
And he kissed me til the morning light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh we couldn't bring the columns down
We couldn't destroy a single one
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

And i poured my heart out...

2008-04-23T01:09:12Z

It evaporated... see?

Monday morning

2008-04-21T10:25:52Z

I kept thinking about writing here, but i couldn't find the words, and the longer i left it the harder it got. So, here goes a mammoth entry...

I had a wonderful time in London. I met NB and RD, was looked after, spoiled, and made to feel entirely at home. Portishead were amazing - i can't believe such an amazing voice came from such a tiny wee thing! Ended up going up to Wycombe for the weekend instead of to see Himself in Cardiff - he texted on Thursday to say he'd had a hell of a week and would probably be in a vile mood, and not up for talking etc. I'd also sent a 'friend request' network thing on the website forum we're both on, and he read it but didn't accept it, nor did he message me to explain. That pretty much told me what i needed to hear - i went off to Wycombe and had a lovely time with YD and ML, and came home refreshed and happy.

I texted him last Monday to say i hope this week is easier on him than the last. He replied asking how London was. And thus it began again. For the last week there's been daily (i think) contact again. Things are colder (at least from me - i've accepted that what i want to happen probably won't, and i'm fucked if i'm going to invest my all for him to fuck with my head) but there's definite flirting, friendship, and support. I just wish i knew what i am to him. I'd ask, but i don't think i'd get a straight answer. I'm not even sure he knows.

Also, been ill for the last 4 or 5 days - throat and ear infection. It's not pleasant - been sleeping through most of it (while mini-menace wrecks the house... the bathroom's flooded, there's sticky toothpaste on everything i touch, and she managed to turn the heating off yesterday so the house is freezing!) but am at least feeling a little more human today. I might even start some college work - i'm about 3 weeks behind now, which isn't good.

Right, better go - have to get sorted and pick her ladyship up from school. She's off Wed and Thurs for an inset day and an NUT strike respectively... that'll be fun.

If i've missed anything out, i'll add it later. Take care, and wish me luck with Himself... i don't know what the fuck to do. Well, i do, but it's not what i want to do...
*c*

Tuesday night

2008-04-09T03:50:03Z

I can't even think straight. It's been the most surreal, unpleasant, painful, and difficult few days i can remember. Mostly i've been dealing with it by sleeping, distraction techniques (online games, mostly) and drinking. I've still got a headache. And i still hurt.

AK's been in touch today (and last night), most of it unpleasant, but that was to be expected. It ended with apologies all round, and an agreement to speak when it's less raw for him, and when i'm a little more stable.

So, having spent all day in bed (told you it's been a shit day) and sinking yet more wine this evening (i know - so sue me), he got in touch, completely out of the blue. Sent a memo on IC... it was cold, granted, but it was a memo... a starting point. I wrote back. He said he's still free on Friday night if i want to talk, although he noted he doesn't like talking.

I don't know what to say. It's suddenly like there's a hope, that we might be able to get over this, that this might not be 'it'. Never in all my life have i needed to be held like i do right now. I've been crying since getting the memo (about 5 hours ago). I just don't know what to think. I'm terrified of letting myself hope again, just in case it isn't what i want it to be. In case it's some elaborate scheme to get me there and then hurt me somehow (blame D and YD... was on Skype with them earlier and they came up with a whole host of things that he could be planning, rather than just to pick me up and take me to his place to talk). I don't believe that, i trust him, but the doubt keeps creeping in... i just want this so badly. I'm so scared i can't fix this, can't make things okay. And i want, more than anything, for things to be okay.

I think it's out of my hands. I don't think it's within my power. That's kind of scary. I've asked him to phone me at some point over the next 2 days - i don't think i can go down without at least speaking to him on the phone. I'm too afraid - i need to hear him. Even if he can't tell me things are going to be okay, at least i can 'read' him from a phonecall better than from an email.

I'm so utterly terrified of being hurt.
*c*

Monday night

2008-04-07T23:32:23Z

I hurt. At the moment, everywhere. My heart hurts (see yesterday's entry), my head hurts (migraine), my stomach hurts ("communist cramps")... i'm taking solace in the fact that mini-menace isn't here - she went away with R this afternoon for a week (he's taking her to S'hampton, giving me a much needed break). And so i'm sat here, eyes still stinging from the 13 hours of crying that took place yesterday.

He'd been distant for a few days, but over the last 2 months i'd kind of got used to that, and put it down to me being paranoid/needy/insecure... inventing problems when there were none there.

Anyway, Saturday night I'd made a throw-away quip on a forum (that i know He reads, uses, and checks my posts on!) about volunteering to be practised on when someone was asking how one improves ones rope-skills. Reply was 'mail sent ;-)'... that was the end of it. He read it (Sunday morning) and apparently assumed this meant i have no morals, will fuck anything, and am disloyal to Him etc etc... despite the fact that, even when i asked, He wouldn't confirm a relationship between us. Even after 2 months. "Just relax tiger; do we have to classify everything?"

So, instead of talking to me about it, He ignored me, until finally sending a 'No i don't have time to talk to you. Don't you have mail to be answering anyway...' text (which i didn't understand, such was the insignificance of the comment that i had no idea what He was talking about) - He then explained in a subsequent text, and when the penny dropped, i freaked. Told Him how sorry i was, that i'd never even considered that it he might have either taken it seriously, or been hurt by it. Asking why He thought it meant play/sex, that He knows that isn't me, asking Him to talk to me about it... nothing. The texts got more urgent as the day wore on... begging Him to at least tell me what was going on, whether He was just angry and needed time to think, or whether this really was it... I needed to know as the waiting in limbo was destroying me. He kept this up for 8 hours.

Finally, after all day in tears just waiting for... possibly nothing, but needing an answer, He replied, saying i clearly have no idea what fidelity, honesty, and loyalty mean, and to please leave him alone. That's the last thing i heard. I of course didn't, i bombarded Him with texts begging Him to at least talk to me, to hear my side before making a rash decision, telling Him i was His and i was sorry, that i fucked up... you get the picture. After about an hour i re-discovered my temporarily misplaced dignity and deleted His numbers, texts... everything that i could get His number from and harass Him further next time i crumbled. (Which was about ten minutes later, but fortunately i'd removed everything and had no way of contacting Him). I then opened the £10 bottle of Rioja (His favourite) that i'd got to take up there on Friday, and sunk into that.

I got through the night with help from SH and Wench, and today has been spent nursing a hangover (fucking Rioja) which later turned into a migraine, fortunately after mini-menace left for her dad's. So today, i've not cried, though i'm broken. Part of me is afraid to, in case i never stop. The house is eerily quiet: i always have music on, always, but i can't listen to a single thing without it reminding me of something about Him. I've just found the coasters i got for Him while He was in America - part of me wants to send them on to Him as i don't want them here, it just hurts to remember. Everywhere i look, everything i hear, say, think... it's all Him. I'm completely fucking broken.
*c*

Sunday night

2008-04-07T02:18:52Z

In the last 24 hours i've lost a friend, and been dumped. In the entire history of the world's shittest days ever ever, this has got to qualify, surely.
*c*

Saturday afternoon

2008-04-05T15:31:29Z

Well the Social Worker came and went, and made me feel hugely reassured by virtue of the fact that i felt i was wasting her time. She said mini-menace was "a healthy, happy bundle of energy" and that although the shop incident wasn't a good thing, accidents do happen and by making sure it can never happen again (the keys have been on my person since the event, even sleeping with them under my pillow!) i'm doing everything i can, and i'm doing fine. She will however back me up by telling the school that she advises mini-menace starts full time next term instead of waiting for the term afterwards, so hopefully that'll give me some more support.

Other life continues as normal... i'm away next week for my London trip which i'm really looking forward to, for meeting NB as much as for seeing Portishead! Also, all being well, will be spending the weekend in Cardiff; not seen him for 3 weeks so it'll be nice to catch up!

Mini-menace's birthday went down well... she now has a digger and a ball pool in her bedroom and is, four days on, still delighted about it - good choice of present there i think!

Right, i'm going to try and shake this depressive cloud hanging over me today (pms and tiredness... been lounging on the laptop dozing (when not dealing with her ladyship!) trying to forget i exist, but i need to do some last minute proof-reading of my second uni assignment so it can go off tomorrow.

Will write again soon, and to all those who've contacted me reassuring me that i'm not a crap parent and that this stuff happens to everyone, THANK YOU - it has been more appreciated than you know. xxx
*c*

aonarach_c @ 2008-03-31T18:13:00

2008-03-31T17:22:43Z

You couldn't make it up, you really couldn't. Yesterday morning i found her "painting the walls" with her own poo. Then in the afternoon she put about 3/4 of a roll of toilet paper in the toilet, then had the biggest shit known to man, then flushed it, flooding the bathroom and meaning an hour of rubber gloves/plastic bags/floor scrubbing. Then today, today, she topped it all.

I awoke at half 8 to find one of the ladies from the shop in my bedroom... mini-menace had woken up, not come in to see me, but instead gone downstairs, balanced her stool on top of a chair, climbed up, retrieved the front door keys, unlocked it, and walked out and up to the shop, where she proceeded to pick up a basket and excitedly tell the staff she was "shopping". The lady recognised her and took her hand to bring her home, coming too in case i'd had an accident. Which of course i hadn't, i was just a-fucking-sleep.

It took about an hour for the shock to wear off enough for me to ring Social Services and ask them for some help. I'm clearly not managing by myself, and i'm extremely lucky she didn't go on the road, or get taken, or get lost... anything, really. I'm obviously not coping; what sort of a parent... actually i'm not going there now; it took me literally hours to talk myself out of the "she'd be so much better off without me" thoughts. Instead i've phoned someone and asked for help... it was a last resort as i've tried the health visitor and the doctor on separate occasions, but no-one's listening.

I have an assessment at 1pm tomorrow. I'm utterly terrified. Mum thinks it's unlikely they'll take her away from me, but to be honest i wouldn't blame them if they did. I am the worst parent ever. :(

Thursday night

2008-03-27T19:35:54Z

Had a lovely weekend with Himself (it's been over a month now!) but struggling now... can't stop crying, and He's in America and has been since Sunday morning... after 2 months of daily contact there's been none since then and i'm really needing it now. I'm crying and emo and i hate it; i know it's drop from the weekend (i did this last time, even when he was in touch!) but i've had an awful day with Mini-Menace (there's talc everywhere, she's screamed all afternoon pretty much non-stop, and the GP spent 5 minutes interrogating me about whether i'd ever hurt her...) and i just can't stop the tears. They (the doctors) also noticed a few old scars and quizzed me about the self harm thing. It's been a shit day.

I might go to bed. It's that, or get pissed, and i've been doing rather too much of the latter lately.
*c*

Monday morning

2008-03-10T09:24:22Z

So very tired. Not from the storms that raged the country last night - they seem to have completely bypassed us - but just from stupid insomnia. Was in bed at 11 and still awake at 1am, and woke 3 or 4 times from then til morning. Making the 8am start today excruciatingly painful!

Must remember to phone MrFix-It as my downstairs curtain rail 'fell down' (looks at Mini-Menace) and i hate not having it there.

Still no buggering lap-top.
*c*

ARGHHHHHH!

2008-03-09T18:39:08Z

Just gone downstairs after working on uni stuffs for the last hour or two to find the walls of the (beige) lounge covered in multicoloured wax-crayon scribbles. I am less than fucking impressed. She wouldn't dare do it at her dad's house, so why is it okay in mine!?

Ultimately i know i'm to blame. She was bored/attention seeking/making a point... i don't know, but if she wasn't bored, or i spent more time doing things with her etc, perhaps she wouldn't feel the need to behave like that. I'm just so tired. Every day fades into the next and i feel like i'm already dead. Only this is harder.

Sunday afternoon

2008-03-09T17:46:29Z

HUGELY stressed today... sent a ranty email to uni because some of the marks for the assignments this year are based on GAYness (i have to, for example, follow their steps on file management, then screenshot it and insert it into the next essay to show i can manage files and do screendumps... only i have my own methods of managing my files and it means i have to restructure it all just to take a fucking screenshot of it to prove i can manage my files before changing it back to my system... what a waste of fucking time!). I'm tired (couldn't sleep last night), the new week starts tomorrow and i just don't have the energy for it. I'm trying to focus on work but i can't - my mind keeps wandering.

Tiny is okay; should sort her room out really as it's a massive mess. Shockingly. Waiting for my bloody laptop to be delivered; the company hasn't even mailed me to say it's been dispatched yet and it was meant to be here by Friday. Feeling insecure and unsure in general - it's been an emotional week (yeah, i know...) and i'm just feeling a little useless at the moment. Fat, miserable, and generally gross. I look at the mess around me (metaphorically speaking; the actual house isn't too bad!) and it's so overwhelming i don't even know where to begin.

And no, i'm not even hormonal.
*c*

Thursday evening

2008-03-06T18:37:10Z

Some things are like soap; the tighter you try to grasp them, the faster they slip away.
*c*

I see a darkness

2008-02-27T11:54:29Z

Then i see a Darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live; I won't let go
Can you see its opposition, comes rising up sometimes
That its dreadful imposition, comes blacking in my mind

Then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Here's a hope that some day you, you
Can save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn't all I see

Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Did you know how much I love you
Here's a hope that some day you, you
Can save me from this darkness

Wednesday Morning

2008-02-27T09:42:33Z

God dammit - up at 8am (ouch) for Tiny's school run, only to be informed at 9:05 that the lift she gets won't be happening today. Cue a very confused and upset mini-menace, and a very tired and grumpy mammy. I hate mornings!!

We're doing well, although we had chinese last night and i'm desperately trying not to do that any more. The weight thing is out of control and i need to start sorting my life out. I hate looking like this, it makes me miserable. At least on the ephedrine i was thinner. (And riddled with high blood pressure, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. But, thinner!) Looks like i'll have to actually start exercising... i don't eat excessively so it's not there that i need to be tackling. Well, it is, but not as much! Might start today. Why not, eh?

Away on Friday; will be nice to have another Tiny-free weekend. Had a lovely time last weekend with Mum, but it's always nice to have a 'proper' break. However, i always feel good coming away from hers with the pair of them saying how they couldn't manage all the time, and that i'm doing brilliantly. It does wonders for the confidence!

Right, off to drink more tea and try to wake up. Bloody hate 8am starts.
*c*

Thursday

2008-02-21T13:28:02Z

She has just consumed 250g of dairy milk while i've been upstairs reading. If she's not sick i'll be astonished. She'll be high for days.

In other news, started the uni course and it's going well; assignment due in a fortnight so getting on with it so i'm not behind this year. Going to see mum over the weekend, which will be nice. That's about it on my planet right now. :)
*c*