Being here.
Essay done (though not sent in yet), child in bed, and i'm somewhat dehydrated from spending the afternoon drinking in the sunshine. Still, it feels wonderful. Long live the summer. :)
*c*
Essay done (though not sent in yet), child in bed, and i'm somewhat dehydrated from spending the afternoon drinking in the sunshine. Still, it feels wonderful. Long live the summer. :)
*c*
Sun's shining, it's a beautiful day! In fact it's been gorgeous for a week now. It's the perfect weather; sunny and warm in the day time, and thundery and rainy and night. There was an amazing storm last night - i can never sleep when the skies are full of thunder and lightening. Something to do with the electric atmosphere maybe.
Or the child who was up and down all night with a spiking temperature, much like last week... nothing wrong with her per se, but a high temperature. She's off school today - we dozed in bed til ten, which was lovely.
STILL haven't done my essay - that's today's task. That, and make a start on tidying the bedroom. Which is a massive state. Still, feeling good... motivated, calm, happy... i blame the weather. Somehow things never look so bleak when the sun's shining.
R's coming over after work to sort the freezer out for me, and i'm about to phone AG to see if she'll take a look at my heating system - at the moment i can't put the hot water on without the heating coming on too, which, in this heat, is unbearable!
Been (almost) keeping up with the jogging - three times the first week but only twice last... will have to make up for it in the next few days. Only, i'm not much inclined to run when it's this bloody hot!
That's about it from me - there's not a lot going on. Ooh, got some paint to decorate the house - i'm beginning to think that orange for downstairs was a bit... 'brave'...
*c*
Or the child who was up and down all night with a spiking temperature, much like last week... nothing wrong with her per se, but a high temperature. She's off school today - we dozed in bed til ten, which was lovely.
STILL haven't done my essay - that's today's task. That, and make a start on tidying the bedroom. Which is a massive state. Still, feeling good... motivated, calm, happy... i blame the weather. Somehow things never look so bleak when the sun's shining.
R's coming over after work to sort the freezer out for me, and i'm about to phone AG to see if she'll take a look at my heating system - at the moment i can't put the hot water on without the heating coming on too, which, in this heat, is unbearable!
Been (almost) keeping up with the jogging - three times the first week but only twice last... will have to make up for it in the next few days. Only, i'm not much inclined to run when it's this bloody hot!
That's about it from me - there's not a lot going on. Ooh, got some paint to decorate the house - i'm beginning to think that orange for downstairs was a bit... 'brave'...
*c*
Well it's been a while. I promised myself a while back that i'd stop substituting song lyrics for 'blogs, but it's been really hard to say how i feel lately. Every now and then a song will catch me off-guard and i'll find myself crying. So i blog it, because it says it better than i could. (In fact it's just happened again (Staind - 'It's Been a While'), but generally speaking i'm alright. Not great, but alright.)
It's not been a great weekend - i've been up til dawn and asleep most of the day, crashing out on the sofa or upstairs once the menace is settled with food/drink/toy/DVD/etc. A vicious cycle if you like, one i'm hoping to break by grabbing an early night tonight. She's in school again on Tuesday so i need get back into a routine.
This evening finds me unbearably lonely. I keep thinking about Him; i'd have folded and talked to Him but i lost all the numbers in my phone (don't ask) and he's not been online for 6 days so i've had no way of contact. It's probably a good thing - he doesn't want me, not like that, but sometimes any contact is better than none.
Oh, and in the spirit of perfect timing, BS's gf blogged about how it's only a fortnight until the due date of their baby... that was another kick in the teeth i didn't need. It's almost a year ago now, but i'm still torturing myself about why i wasn't good enough, why he felt the need to lie to me - why they always feel the need to lie - about what they want, how they feel, who they are... i really have lost my faith in it all. I genuinely don't believe in the fairy-tale ending any more. And for a hopeless romantic, that's one hell of a dream to let go of.
I'm going to bed. One day all this won't hurt so much.
*c*
It's not been a great weekend - i've been up til dawn and asleep most of the day, crashing out on the sofa or upstairs once the menace is settled with food/drink/toy/DVD/etc. A vicious cycle if you like, one i'm hoping to break by grabbing an early night tonight. She's in school again on Tuesday so i need get back into a routine.
This evening finds me unbearably lonely. I keep thinking about Him; i'd have folded and talked to Him but i lost all the numbers in my phone (don't ask) and he's not been online for 6 days so i've had no way of contact. It's probably a good thing - he doesn't want me, not like that, but sometimes any contact is better than none.
Oh, and in the spirit of perfect timing, BS's gf blogged about how it's only a fortnight until the due date of their baby... that was another kick in the teeth i didn't need. It's almost a year ago now, but i'm still torturing myself about why i wasn't good enough, why he felt the need to lie to me - why they always feel the need to lie - about what they want, how they feel, who they are... i really have lost my faith in it all. I genuinely don't believe in the fairy-tale ending any more. And for a hopeless romantic, that's one hell of a dream to let go of.
I'm going to bed. One day all this won't hurt so much.
*c*
I loved you first.
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, i have to go
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us
The bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh i cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that i'd done alright
And he kissed me til the morning light, the morning light
And he kissed me til the morning light
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh we couldn't bring the columns down
We couldn't destroy a single one
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, i have to go
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us
The bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, i loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met
Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh i cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that i'd done alright
And he kissed me til the morning light, the morning light
And he kissed me til the morning light
Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh we couldn't bring the columns down
We couldn't destroy a single one
And the history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
I kept thinking about writing here, but i couldn't find the words, and the longer i left it the harder it got. So, here goes a mammoth entry...
I had a wonderful time in London. I met NB and RD, was looked after, spoiled, and made to feel entirely at home. Portishead were amazing - i can't believe such an amazing voice came from such a tiny wee thing! Ended up going up to Wycombe for the weekend instead of to see Himself in Cardiff - he texted on Thursday to say he'd had a hell of a week and would probably be in a vile mood, and not up for talking etc. I'd also sent a 'friend request' network thing on the website forum we're both on, and he read it but didn't accept it, nor did he message me to explain. That pretty much told me what i needed to hear - i went off to Wycombe and had a lovely time with YD and ML, and came home refreshed and happy.
I texted him last Monday to say i hope this week is easier on him than the last. He replied asking how London was. And thus it began again. For the last week there's been daily (i think) contact again. Things are colder (at least from me - i've accepted that what i want to happen probably won't, and i'm fucked if i'm going to invest my all for him to fuck with my head) but there's definite flirting, friendship, and support. I just wish i knew what i am to him. I'd ask, but i don't think i'd get a straight answer. I'm not even sure he knows.
Also, been ill for the last 4 or 5 days - throat and ear infection. It's not pleasant - been sleeping through most of it (while mini-menace wrecks the house... the bathroom's flooded, there's sticky toothpaste on everything i touch, and she managed to turn the heating off yesterday so the house is freezing!) but am at least feeling a little more human today. I might even start some college work - i'm about 3 weeks behind now, which isn't good.
Right, better go - have to get sorted and pick her ladyship up from school. She's off Wed and Thurs for an inset day and an NUT strike respectively... that'll be fun.
If i've missed anything out, i'll add it later. Take care, and wish me luck with Himself... i don't know what the fuck to do. Well, i do, but it's not what i want to do...
*c*
I had a wonderful time in London. I met NB and RD, was looked after, spoiled, and made to feel entirely at home. Portishead were amazing - i can't believe such an amazing voice came from such a tiny wee thing! Ended up going up to Wycombe for the weekend instead of to see Himself in Cardiff - he texted on Thursday to say he'd had a hell of a week and would probably be in a vile mood, and not up for talking etc. I'd also sent a 'friend request' network thing on the website forum we're both on, and he read it but didn't accept it, nor did he message me to explain. That pretty much told me what i needed to hear - i went off to Wycombe and had a lovely time with YD and ML, and came home refreshed and happy.
I texted him last Monday to say i hope this week is easier on him than the last. He replied asking how London was. And thus it began again. For the last week there's been daily (i think) contact again. Things are colder (at least from me - i've accepted that what i want to happen probably won't, and i'm fucked if i'm going to invest my all for him to fuck with my head) but there's definite flirting, friendship, and support. I just wish i knew what i am to him. I'd ask, but i don't think i'd get a straight answer. I'm not even sure he knows.
Also, been ill for the last 4 or 5 days - throat and ear infection. It's not pleasant - been sleeping through most of it (while mini-menace wrecks the house... the bathroom's flooded, there's sticky toothpaste on everything i touch, and she managed to turn the heating off yesterday so the house is freezing!) but am at least feeling a little more human today. I might even start some college work - i'm about 3 weeks behind now, which isn't good.
Right, better go - have to get sorted and pick her ladyship up from school. She's off Wed and Thurs for an inset day and an NUT strike respectively... that'll be fun.
If i've missed anything out, i'll add it later. Take care, and wish me luck with Himself... i don't know what the fuck to do. Well, i do, but it's not what i want to do...
*c*
I can't even think straight. It's been the most surreal, unpleasant, painful, and difficult few days i can remember. Mostly i've been dealing with it by sleeping, distraction techniques (online games, mostly) and drinking. I've still got a headache. And i still hurt.
AK's been in touch today (and last night), most of it unpleasant, but that was to be expected. It ended with apologies all round, and an agreement to speak when it's less raw for him, and when i'm a little more stable.
So, having spent all day in bed (told you it's been a shit day) and sinking yet more wine this evening (i know - so sue me), he got in touch, completely out of the blue. Sent a memo on IC... it was cold, granted, but it was a memo... a starting point. I wrote back. He said he's still free on Friday night if i want to talk, although he noted he doesn't like talking.
I don't know what to say. It's suddenly like there's a hope, that we might be able to get over this, that this might not be 'it'. Never in all my life have i needed to be held like i do right now. I've been crying since getting the memo (about 5 hours ago). I just don't know what to think. I'm terrified of letting myself hope again, just in case it isn't what i want it to be. In case it's some elaborate scheme to get me there and then hurt me somehow (blame D and YD... was on Skype with them earlier and they came up with a whole host of things that he could be planning, rather than just to pick me up and take me to his place to talk). I don't believe that, i trust him, but the doubt keeps creeping in... i just want this so badly. I'm so scared i can't fix this, can't make things okay. And i want, more than anything, for things to be okay.
I think it's out of my hands. I don't think it's within my power. That's kind of scary. I've asked him to phone me at some point over the next 2 days - i don't think i can go down without at least speaking to him on the phone. I'm too afraid - i need to hear him. Even if he can't tell me things are going to be okay, at least i can 'read' him from a phonecall better than from an email.
I'm so utterly terrified of being hurt.
*c*
AK's been in touch today (and last night), most of it unpleasant, but that was to be expected. It ended with apologies all round, and an agreement to speak when it's less raw for him, and when i'm a little more stable.
So, having spent all day in bed (told you it's been a shit day) and sinking yet more wine this evening (i know - so sue me), he got in touch, completely out of the blue. Sent a memo on IC... it was cold, granted, but it was a memo... a starting point. I wrote back. He said he's still free on Friday night if i want to talk, although he noted he doesn't like talking.
I don't know what to say. It's suddenly like there's a hope, that we might be able to get over this, that this might not be 'it'. Never in all my life have i needed to be held like i do right now. I've been crying since getting the memo (about 5 hours ago). I just don't know what to think. I'm terrified of letting myself hope again, just in case it isn't what i want it to be. In case it's some elaborate scheme to get me there and then hurt me somehow (blame D and YD... was on Skype with them earlier and they came up with a whole host of things that he could be planning, rather than just to pick me up and take me to his place to talk). I don't believe that, i trust him, but the doubt keeps creeping in... i just want this so badly. I'm so scared i can't fix this, can't make things okay. And i want, more than anything, for things to be okay.
I think it's out of my hands. I don't think it's within my power. That's kind of scary. I've asked him to phone me at some point over the next 2 days - i don't think i can go down without at least speaking to him on the phone. I'm too afraid - i need to hear him. Even if he can't tell me things are going to be okay, at least i can 'read' him from a phonecall better than from an email.
I'm so utterly terrified of being hurt.
*c*
I hurt. At the moment, everywhere. My heart hurts (see yesterday's entry), my head hurts (migraine), my stomach hurts ("communist cramps")... i'm taking solace in the fact that mini-menace isn't here - she went away with R this afternoon for a week (he's taking her to S'hampton, giving me a much needed break). And so i'm sat here, eyes still stinging from the 13 hours of crying that took place yesterday.
He'd been distant for a few days, but over the last 2 months i'd kind of got used to that, and put it down to me being paranoid/needy/insecure... inventing problems when there were none there.
Anyway, Saturday night I'd made a throw-away quip on a forum (that i know He reads, uses, and checks my posts on!) about volunteering to be practised on when someone was asking how one improves ones rope-skills. Reply was 'mail sent ;-)'... that was the end of it. He read it (Sunday morning) and apparently assumed this meant i have no morals, will fuck anything, and am disloyal to Him etc etc... despite the fact that, even when i asked, He wouldn't confirm a relationship between us. Even after 2 months. "Just relax tiger; do we have to classify everything?"
So, instead of talking to me about it, He ignored me, until finally sending a 'No i don't have time to talk to you. Don't you have mail to be answering anyway...' text (which i didn't understand, such was the insignificance of the comment that i had no idea what He was talking about) - He then explained in a subsequent text, and when the penny dropped, i freaked. Told Him how sorry i was, that i'd never even considered that it he might have either taken it seriously, or been hurt by it. Asking why He thought it meant play/sex, that He knows that isn't me, asking Him to talk to me about it... nothing. The texts got more urgent as the day wore on... begging Him to at least tell me what was going on, whether He was just angry and needed time to think, or whether this really was it... I needed to know as the waiting in limbo was destroying me. He kept this up for 8 hours.
Finally, after all day in tears just waiting for... possibly nothing, but needing an answer, He replied, saying i clearly have no idea what fidelity, honesty, and loyalty mean, and to please leave him alone. That's the last thing i heard. I of course didn't, i bombarded Him with texts begging Him to at least talk to me, to hear my side before making a rash decision, telling Him i was His and i was sorry, that i fucked up... you get the picture. After about an hour i re-discovered my temporarily misplaced dignity and deleted His numbers, texts... everything that i could get His number from and harass Him further next time i crumbled. (Which was about ten minutes later, but fortunately i'd removed everything and had no way of contacting Him). I then opened the £10 bottle of Rioja (His favourite) that i'd got to take up there on Friday, and sunk into that.
I got through the night with help from SH and Wench, and today has been spent nursing a hangover (fucking Rioja) which later turned into a migraine, fortunately after mini-menace left for her dad's. So today, i've not cried, though i'm broken. Part of me is afraid to, in case i never stop. The house is eerily quiet: i always have music on, always, but i can't listen to a single thing without it reminding me of something about Him. I've just found the coasters i got for Him while He was in America - part of me wants to send them on to Him as i don't want them here, it just hurts to remember. Everywhere i look, everything i hear, say, think... it's all Him. I'm completely fucking broken.
*c*
He'd been distant for a few days, but over the last 2 months i'd kind of got used to that, and put it down to me being paranoid/needy/insecure... inventing problems when there were none there.
Anyway, Saturday night I'd made a throw-away quip on a forum (that i know He reads, uses, and checks my posts on!) about volunteering to be practised on when someone was asking how one improves ones rope-skills. Reply was 'mail sent ;-)'... that was the end of it. He read it (Sunday morning) and apparently assumed this meant i have no morals, will fuck anything, and am disloyal to Him etc etc... despite the fact that, even when i asked, He wouldn't confirm a relationship between us. Even after 2 months. "Just relax tiger; do we have to classify everything?"
So, instead of talking to me about it, He ignored me, until finally sending a 'No i don't have time to talk to you. Don't you have mail to be answering anyway...' text (which i didn't understand, such was the insignificance of the comment that i had no idea what He was talking about) - He then explained in a subsequent text, and when the penny dropped, i freaked. Told Him how sorry i was, that i'd never even considered that it he might have either taken it seriously, or been hurt by it. Asking why He thought it meant play/sex, that He knows that isn't me, asking Him to talk to me about it... nothing. The texts got more urgent as the day wore on... begging Him to at least tell me what was going on, whether He was just angry and needed time to think, or whether this really was it... I needed to know as the waiting in limbo was destroying me. He kept this up for 8 hours.
Finally, after all day in tears just waiting for... possibly nothing, but needing an answer, He replied, saying i clearly have no idea what fidelity, honesty, and loyalty mean, and to please leave him alone. That's the last thing i heard. I of course didn't, i bombarded Him with texts begging Him to at least talk to me, to hear my side before making a rash decision, telling Him i was His and i was sorry, that i fucked up... you get the picture. After about an hour i re-discovered my temporarily misplaced dignity and deleted His numbers, texts... everything that i could get His number from and harass Him further next time i crumbled. (Which was about ten minutes later, but fortunately i'd removed everything and had no way of contacting Him). I then opened the £10 bottle of Rioja (His favourite) that i'd got to take up there on Friday, and sunk into that.
I got through the night with help from SH and Wench, and today has been spent nursing a hangover (fucking Rioja) which later turned into a migraine, fortunately after mini-menace left for her dad's. So today, i've not cried, though i'm broken. Part of me is afraid to, in case i never stop. The house is eerily quiet: i always have music on, always, but i can't listen to a single thing without it reminding me of something about Him. I've just found the coasters i got for Him while He was in America - part of me wants to send them on to Him as i don't want them here, it just hurts to remember. Everywhere i look, everything i hear, say, think... it's all Him. I'm completely fucking broken.
*c*
In the last 24 hours i've lost a friend, and been dumped. In the entire history of the world's shittest days ever ever, this has got to qualify, surely.
*c*
*c*